Thursday, 23 September 2010

Blogfeast: Even Zombies Have Taste


The talented writer Angela, at Jaded Love Junkie, is holding a blogfeast today, and, as she puts it, “Not only is it a blogfest of food, but it’s also a feast of blogs.” For a list of participants and blogfest rules, click here.

To take part in the blogfeast bloggers must write a scene where food is central to or part of what happens, and it is safe to say that I’ve taken a more unpalatable approach with my story.

Warning: this story is not for the weak-stomached or squeamish; Shaun of the Dead or CSI fans may read on.


Even Zombies Have Taste

I know what you’re thinking – give a zombie a few processed body parts, or a can of brains, and they’ll be satisfied. You’re wrong.

I’ve been keeping zombies for a few years now and each of them had slightly different tastes in food. ZomBob is the fussiest so far. The first day I took him home – after the standard 24-hours quarantine – he made his feelings on food known.

ZomBob had settled into his room that first day quite well under the circumstances – he’d been a CEO of a major corporation and was used to penthouse living - and if you had seen his drooling downcast face when he caught sight of his new accommodations, you’d have shed a tear or two like me. Martha, my wife, just pushed him into the nine by ten foot spare room with the seven-foot pole we’d bought from Pets For You; she was taking no chances.

Martha had been against keeping zombies as pets from the beginning. But, as I told her then, she was no Martha Stewart, and the spare room always did have that unpleasant odour. By the time ZomBob came along she was resigned to always having a zombie in our lives and joked she might as well have been one.

In his room were the basic essentials: straw bedding, potty hole, water cooler, and a food bowl. In the food bowl I’d emptied four cans of Pedigree Chum, chicken flavour. ZomSuz had always liked that flavour.

At Infection Control they’d told me ZomBob had not been fed since he was captured, so I expected him to be ravenously hungry. After a few seconds of sniffing the bowl’s contents, he let out a hideously loud groan and then threw up whatever his last meal had been; feet, I think.

“Just great,” Martha had declared. “And who’s cleaning that mess up?”

“No need to worry about that,” I said, as ZomBob began re-eating the contents of his stomach.

Over the next few days I tried to tempt his taste buds with a long list of canned groceries – dog food, cat food, hotdogs sausages, pork tongue, and even meatballs. He didn’t take a bite, and was beginning to look pale even for a zombie.

Martha wanted to return him but I felt sorry for the chap; it wasn’t his fault he’d been infected. He hadn’t asked to be bitten.

After a week I decided to try fresh meat, some mutton and chicken giblets. He actually ate the mutton, but spent far too long time chewing it. When I presented him with the same meal three hours later he turned his back on me and curled up into a ball under his bedding. Zombies don’t ignore their owners. Never. They’re programmed eating machines, with a raging instinct to chow down on anything made of flesh and bone within a five-mile radius. ZomFrank used to beg for his food and I’d taught ZomSuz a few tricks with the offer of her favourite food, pepperoni. But ZomBob was ignoring the guttural instinct deep within him. So, I did what any devoted zombie owner would do – I gave him a live snack.

Only it didn’t turn out quite they way I expected; Martha was not tasty enough for him. After I’d diligently sat watching ZomBob ignore my wife’s drugged body for more than six hours, she finally woke up, screamed, and then lost part of her left forearm in his mouth. He spat it out immediately.

It didn’t take long for the virus to take her and for me to realise I now had two zombies to feed, and one of them could not be returned. One of them was livid. And vocal.

I don’t get to spend much time with them these days; working triple shifts to pay for their steak and caviar does not leave much owner-pet bonding time. But I’m hoping to win the Pets For You Winnebago Competition. As the competition slogan says, Have Zombie, Will Travel. I think a holiday and new menu will do us all good.

29 comments:

  1. Oh dear. Sounds like the start of a Criminal Minds episode!

    Is there something wrong with me because I was relieved when Martha was the live food - not a rabbit?

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  2. :D

    Lols...I enjoyed this! Zombie pets, how fascinating!

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  3. EXCELLENT!! Oh I loved this!! Brilliant - thank you! I really really enjoyed reading it - and loved the dead pan humour!! I want a zombob now!! Or just a zomkitty maybe! LOL!! Yay!!!

    This is really good - yummy with gravy on it!

    Take care
    x

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  4. You have a very twisted, twisted mind lady! That's OK, I loved it. :)

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  5. This is my favorite line:

    But, as I told her then, she was no Martha Stewart, and the spare room always did have that unpleasant odour.

    That's so great! I love the Zom prefix too. Very clever.

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  6. Wonderful. I really enjoyed this one. Great twist at the end. Brilliant! :O)

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  7. lOL, creepie and funny and yes a bit gross

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  8. MorningAJ - LOL. No! I too would have been mortified if the MC fed ZomBob a normal pet.

    Damyanti - thank you! I'm always looking for a different take on a genre.

    Old Kitty - LOL. Yummy with gravy. You make me laugh. If you'd won my story I could have called him ZomCharlie!

    Janel - Yep. My mother once said that if there was a line between normal and not normal, I'd be right on that line. LOL.

    Elena - thank you! The Zom prefix only came to me this morning. Glad you like the Martha Stewart line, it did make laugh writing it.

    Madeleine - thank you!

    Summer - just what I wanted ;)

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  9. Definately a twist(ed) take on the feast end of the blogfeat;-) Kudos to originality!

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  10. Wow. Call me crazy but I'll stick with my dogs for pets, lol. They eat anything I put in front of them (including things they shouldn't). On second thought, maybe the zombie isn't such a bad idea.

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  11. I'm hoping Martha gets out. Shame on the zombie owner!

    You really pulled me in. Thanks for dropping by my blog and commenting. Roland

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  12. *eyebrows up to hairline* Wow! Just...wow! This was funny and definitely a little disgusting (but in a good way). Love it!

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  13. LOL--I love Zombob. I'd spit Martha out too. Great story :-)

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  14. What a crazy story! I loved it. A bit morbid but I guess that's what you're going for.

    CD

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  15. Fabulous. Love the tongue-in-cheek... wait, that should be arm-in-cheek I think. ;-b

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  16. Oh this was funny. Just what I needed on my lunh break!

    Excellent writing skills. And the concept was so unique.

    Well done. OH, and I'm strange this way, but I love being grossed out.

    .........dhole

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  17. Having zombies is like having toddlers. So fussy! Who knew?

    I've read about ten Blogfeasts so far, and each one is vastly different.

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  18. Haha! Where can I get one??? I'd take it to work with me *insert evil grin here* and see what kind of nasty galley food *i.e. my boss* we could find.

    I really enjoyed this, loved the tone, and somehow didn't feel sorry for Martha ;) Love me a good zombie story. And yes, I liked Zombieland but Fido is my fav. Thank you so much for joining my Blogfeast!

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  20. Darn typo - here's what it was supposed to say:

    They do say if you're trying to write for the vampire/zombie crowd, you really need something new and unique. As Zombie pets certainly are. And sorry for thinking "Oh no, he didn't" when I realized the meal was Martha. At least he drugged her...

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  21. Great original take on a blogfeast. Bring on Zombob. Hilarious, gross, unique. Well done..:)

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  22. Awesome! Funny coincidence...I have an online friend that goes by the name of zombob. I just linked him to this. Very fun story. Zombies <3

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  23. Cinette - thank you!

    Sondrae - LOL. Problem is the zombie may eat the dog or you!

    Roland - and infects the owner. That would be justice!

    Jenna - thank you!

    Suzanne - thank you!

    Clarissa - definitely. I wanted something a little, that's horrible!

    Bryan - LOL.. You're too funny!

    Donna - a kindred spirit! Hope it didn't spoil your lunch ;)

    Theresa - LOL about them being like toddlers! Each post is so different, which is what I love about blogfests.

    Angela - thank you for running the blogfest - such a cool idea!

    I'm thinking of opening a new chain of pet stores, Zombies at Home. Do you think I might kill the opposition?!

    erica and christy - thank you! I didn't realise it was quite such a unique idea - it just arrived in my brain over the weekend.

    L'Aussie - thank you! ZomBob sends his love ;)

    Lovy Boheme - There's a real Zombob?! Yay! Thank you.

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  24. This was delightful. I'm glad I stopped by, even if I am a day late. This is the first time I ever forgot about something I entered. I have posted anyway, in case you are so inclined.

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  25. Wendy - thank you! I'll hop on over to your blog now ;)

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  26. *LMAO* Zombies as pets! What a hilarious concept! Thanks for making my day! :)

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  27. J.C. Martin - thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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  28. I didn't know I was such a finicky eater!

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  29. Zombob - Lovey Boheme told me there was an actual Zombob out there! Glad you found your way to my blog. How did the food taste? LOL.

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