Here is my alternate list, in no particular order. It should not be taken too seriously or pinched for future Oscar glory. Anyone wishing to buy casting rights for a film remake, please contact my agent.
2. William Shatner as Dr. Ross Jennings in Arachnophobia. I know what you’re thinking – he already made Kingdom of the Spiders, so why make another spider film? Did you see Kingdom of the Spiders? Nobody . . .can . . .act . . .with spiders . . .the way Shatner . . .can.
3. David Caruso as Searle in Sunshine. The role involved spending a lot of time looking at the Sun and Mr. Caruso is never without sunglasses. I rest my case.
4. Bubbles as the monkeys in Twelve Monkeys. There were supposed to be twelve monkeys. Where were the monkeys?
5. Celine Dion as Rose DeWitt Bukater in Titanic. Whilst not an actress, she did go on and on and on and on and on and on and . . .somebody give her the damn role already.
6. Morgan Freeman as the President in 2012. The casting of Danny Glover as the President in 2012 has to be one of the worst casting decisions ever, and I mean ever. Morgan Freeman has already played the President in Deep Impact, so it should be an easy swap for the CGI techs.
7. Steve Buscemi as Spiderman. I know what you’re thinking – why hasn’t she cast William Shatner in the role? I was tempted, but Mr. Shatner is getting on a wee bit and I don’t think the Lycra suit will do anything for his . . .err . . .robust figure. Anyway, who says all superheroes need chiselled good looks; they cast Toby Maguire, didn’t they? Steve Buscemi is one of my favourite actors, and I can just imagine the unique and sardonic take he’d bring to the role.
8. Sylvester Stallone as Rocky in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Okay. I’m reaching. Have you any idea how hard it is thinking of ten? Whose stupid idea was this blogfest? Me? Oops. Sorry.
9. Nicole Kidman as Dorothy in the remake The Wizard of Oz. This was the LSO’s contribution (those of you who know I have a phobia of the wizard film will know I’m being truthful). Anyway, if they ever remade the film his reasoning for casting her is that she’s from Oz. Oh, dear.
10. With Clint Eastwood already part of the cast, I wanted to see John Wayne, Charles Bronson, and Henry Fonda join him as the Space Cowboys. Unfortunately a couple of them were dead, which kind of made it impossible. But if they could grow those Avatar bodies in space . . .
So, there you have it – my Top Ten Films They Should Have Made list. Hopefully, you applauded my casting genius and are busy calling the major studios to let them know a new player is in town. Actually, I’m just hoping I gave you something to laugh at.
Do you agree with any of my choices or are you spitting venomous fury at my impertinence? It’s not too late to come up with your own top ten, just post your list and use the linky below to broadcast your brilliant choices.